June 11, 2010
I've had many people tell me just in this past week alone how well I "deal" with being sick..As of tonight I am no longer 'dealing' so well...I have been feeling like hell for the last 2 weeks and now I think I am having gallbladder attacks..It was sinus migraines all week long combined with a toothache and then maybe a week and a half ago the pain kicked in that I am attributing to my gallbladder. At first I was afraid it may be a heart attack as symptoms of a heart attack in women are very different from a man but, being these pains have been with me now more than a week I highly doubt it's my heart...I did some research and it seems according to what I've read I am having classic gallbladder symptoms. Oddly, I just had an ultrasound on my gallbladder last month and it was said to be normal although, my MD agreed with me when I told him I was a little shocked nothing showed up. He said he was too and eventually he may want to send me in for a hidascan just to be sure..because, like me he was sure something was going to show up on the ultrasound.
Tonight I am just very tired not only physically but emotionally as well. I have spent the last 17 years of my life on a daily basis in pain and sick in some form. Not a day has passed that I have never felt "good".. I don't even remember what it feels like to "feel well" because it's been too long..Even as a teen I was always dealing with something..Either my teeth or headaches or stomach ailments.
Usually, I am able to get myself through by looking at the many crucifixes that adorn my home. I am able to look at Christ hanging there in all his pain and sickness and say to myself well, Why Him, so why not me but tonight, it's not working.. Tonight I wonder why I can never be healthy, feel healthy..Why does it always have to be something. Why does there always have to be sickness & pain and why has almost my entire life been nothing but sickness & pain.. I realize that there are people who have it a lot worse than I do but sometimes that doesn't work either.. It's not that I don't feel for others who are sick or sicker than I .. I am a very compassionate person for all peoples but tonight it's for once about myself....I keep asking why I just can't experience life for once as a healthy adult.. I have absolutely no clue what life is like as a healthy adult because I've been sick since I was 20... Nothing ever seems to get better.. It only seems to get worse and I just don't understand why anymore.. Actually, I've never really understood it at any time..
Then I ask myself what could I have done in this life that was so bad that I have been sentenced to this fate.. Who did I wrong so terribly, who did I hurt so terribly.. I just wish that for once, things would get better instead of worse..
So now you see a little of what people who are chronically ill like myself feel inside.. Some question all the time, others every now and then but no matter what the illness or the pain we all have the same questions and sometimes, for myself anyway, we have the rare occasion that it all needs to be let out...
Just as a side note, this post was not put up to illicit sympathy etc.. I put it here because it helps me to blow of the proverbial steam.