June 21, 2011

New Beginnings

Hello everyone,

If you noticed, I have changed the name of my blog and the following post should explain why. 

In the next few months I will begin a new journey, chapter in my life and honestly, there is some fear, anxiety, and a lot of uncertainty about many things but, this is something I have to do.. The end result may be wonderful and then it could be disastrous. But, as the title of my blog says, I have to Pray, Hope and Love because thats really all I can do.
You may be wondering to what I am referring to. Well, I’ll fill you in as much as I can for now.

As most of you know and for those who do not, I have been sick with Lyme Disease and 2 of it’s co infections which are, Babesiosis and Erlichiosis for almost 17 years. In 2002, my husband Lou of 12 years got hurt while working. He has always had back issues but this time, the injury was so severe his doctor at that time gave him one of two choices. He could either put in for early retirement and disability or, he could continue to work and ultimately end up in a wheelchair because he would lose the use of his legs indefinitely and no back surgery would be able to repair that kind of damage. My husband was in his late 40′s when this happened and, the writing was on the wall. With no other choice he retired early. Because of that we were now down 2 extra incomes because he had two jobs and when you live in NJ and lose that much income, financially you will not make it there. At the same time all this was happening, I had just lost my mother, my best friend to pancreatic cancer. I was in a deep rabbit hole of my own. Between the loss of income, no savings and my depression, we panicked.

My husband somehow, to this day I still don’t understand how, got hooked up with a builder here in South Carolina who obtained a no money down, 100% mortgage for us on a brand new home that was being built. In our panic we accepted the deal thinking of nothing else but our non finances and my because of my depression, my need to get out of NJ and away from all the memories that hurt. What I thought at the time was going to be a new start for us both turned into a 9 year nightmare.

Since being here in South Carolina these last 9 years, my husband has undergone 4 more surgeries. One on his neck, three on his back. The third on his back was as recent at the end of 2010 and it has not produced the results we expected. He is still on massive doses of pain medication, his abilities to function have been drastically reduced.

Now we get to me, I have looked for 9 years including going out of state to try and find a doctor versed and educated in my illness. Sadly, my search has been in vein. Because of this, my condition has continued to deteriorate. I lost my ability to swallow almost all solid foods 4 months after we moved here and that right there should have been my wake up call to turn tail and run home but, I kept the faith. Well, it has done me no good nor my body. Since I have never been able to find a doctor who can help me here I have been for the last 9 years, living on prayer, help here and there from my MD and doing my own research and in doing that research I have learned that the issue’s that have come up in my body in the last 9 years point to brain and nervous system infections. In the last few months, I spend my days in nights in pain. All over body pain but mostly in my stomach which lately has been excruciating.

Taking into consideration all that has happened to us over the last 9 years and I can honestly say, none of it has been good, my husband and I have made the decision it is time to go home. Physically and emotionally we are much worse off than we were before we moved here and financially we are ruined. So, in the coming months I have a lot of challenges to face. We will be living with my brother who has a 2 family home. Lou and I will be taking the apartment on the second floor. That in itself is going to be interesting. Now, we live in a 9 room home with 3 bedrooms and 2 full baths. The apartment we are going to is 4 rooms total. Two bedrooms, a kitchen, living room and of course a bathroom. Knowing this, over the course of the next few months, we will have to sell everything we own. Firstly, because we need the money and secondly, nothing I have now will fit into the apartment..

The biggest and most heart breaking decision is, we have 7 dogs. All of which are like my children. Due to my illnesses I was unable to give birth to my own children so like most who can not do so, I adopted dogs. Well, 7 dogs will not fit into a small apartment especially when 3 of them are big dogs who need a yard to run and play in. This is the one decision out of all the decisions we are facing that is absolutely ripping our hearts out but there is no other options. We love our dogs like our children and they are pampered and spoiled so how does one choose?

It’s not easy but for us it was clear. We keep the ones who are the oldest and the ones who have the medical issue’s because no one will want them. So that leaves, Matty, Jake , Lizzy and possibly Shadow. Matty & Jake are six year old 90 pound lab mixes, 90 pounds of love, affection and fun, Lizzy is a 6 year old 50 pound English Setter who loves to run and chase birds but they are too many pounds to much for a small apartment. Then there is Shadow who is a Lhasa Apso and although he is 10 years old, he is in good health and only wants affection… We then have Lady, Onyx and Bailey… these are the 3 we chose to come with us and the reasons are , Lady 11 years old is a diabetic for a few years now. Her health issue’s are expensive, Onyx, 10 years old has a serious skin condition that he keeps needing surgery for and colitis 2 more expensive health issues. Lastly, Bailey 10 years old who also has colitis which is manageable but when he gets a bout he gets very sick and his medical bills add up very quickly. No one is going to take on my 3 little ones with all these health issues and I guess I can’t blame them. It is expensive. We figured this was the only logical way to do this.

With my health as it is and my husbands health as it is, if we can get the dogs placed which will take some time because I refuse to let them go to just anyone there will be an entire house to go through. Decisions on what to keep, what to take, what will fit. Then there will be trying to sell all the furniture and anything else we can for the money and we will have to do this alone as we have no help where we live because we don’t know anyone who would help us.

So, a lot of life changes coming up which is why I said above there is fear, anxiety and uncertainty but I have to remember to try and tackle one thing at a time and most of all, pray, hope and love to get us through.
I will be posting updates as things progress so please bookmark my blog and check as often as you like.

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~Robyn~ XO