This post is probably going to be all over the place and I’m not even sure it will make sense to many or even one person but I am hoping it will help me if I write about it and maybe, help someone else..
Most people in my life who know all that is happening think I, “have it together” or they will say, ” I don’t know how you do it”. My answer is always the same, “you do what you have too” but lately, I’m beginning to falter under the weight. I feel like I am holding up a house made of wood slats and at any moment it’s going to come crashing down around me. I feel like I”m being crushed under the weight. Being ground down to a fine powder and this time, “you do what you have to do” isn’t working. So what’s been going on?
My husbands cardiac / Edema / Respiratory issue’s continue. Every day is like walking on egg shells. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Reminding myself with every quiet moment I may get, to enjoy it because sooner or later, I know something will happen.
My husband now has lumps in his right breast tissue. The doctor said it was “Mastitis”. He gave him heavy antibiotics and an anti-inflammatory for a week and we thought they were getting smaller but he seems to have plateaued. Waiting for the doctor to call back about what he does or doesn’t want us to do.
Still grieving deeply for Kristie. If you don’t know about that you can read about it here and for some reason (I went to the crash site to see what I could see, maybe a bad move?) I’ve been having these flashes in my head of what must have happened to her when they were hit on the motorcycle.
Finances have gotten so bad we have barely enough money to buy the food we need for the month or pay all the bills. Financially when all is said and done there is nothing left over to save or live off of. We have had so many doctor appointments this month between my husband and myself I can’t even keep track of the co-pays anymore or how to pay for them.
The dogs. Four of them have some crazy unknown skin issue going on and so there’s been a lot of food changes, medications to buy. I have one of my oldest dogs, Jake, who needs to be put down. That’s eating at me but I know it has to happen and most likely it will be the day after Labor Day. I also do not have the money to cremate him as I have with all the others so the guilt of that is weighing very heavy on me.
Way too many doctor and vet visits between April and May. My head is spinning. I am actually going to re-schedule another appointment I have at the end of the month this month because I just can…..not…..take…..one…..more…..doctor….visit…this month..
I’ve been sick for over three weeks and while feeling some better I am not better as before. I do not feel well and it’s hard to get out of bed in the morning but I must push harder than ever before because life doesn’t wait for anyone.
My doctor has decided to cut my muscle relaxer dose from three pills a day down to two pills per day. Yep, he’s running scared from the CDC even though my medication is NOT an opiod. (makes no sense to me). This is a problem for two reasons. One, the muscles in my neck and body are tight again and I feel like I’m choking not to mention the headaches and body pain until my next dose and two, the muscle relaxer has actually helped keep my anxiety disorder in check for over ten years. Not anymore. Last week I experienced anxiety for the first time in years three days in a row with Tuesday being almost a full blown panic attack. (I can’t go back there again)
Since February of this year, I came way to close to losing my husband to bi-lateral pneumonia, I lost a good friend suddenly to a heart attack in April on my birthday. In May, Kristie was taken from us in a horrible, tragic accident caused by a drunk driver. I had a pre-cancerous malignant skin cancer removed (yes it scared me!), I have four dogs who aren’t well, a fifth on his last legs and financially we have sunk so low, any lower and we’ll be on the street. Is that enough?
So for those who know me and think “I have it all together”, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I don’t have it together and in fact life feels as if it’s going to swallow me whole and I am not coping well with it…..Beyond overwhelmed..