May 20, 2020

Corona Diaries 3-30-2020

I apologize for being missing in action the last few days. I had to take a break.

I needed a break or so I thought. Now I'm thinking maybe it wasn't such a good idea.
In truth, it is getting to me. I thought I would be able to handle all that is happening or not happening but my brain feels like it's going to explode. So many thoughts just racing through my mind. I've tried to stop them but it doesn't seem to be working and it's affecting every area of my life and I don't know how to make it stop.

I haven't watched the news, I've kept social media use to a minimum but still my thoughts go right back to all the questions, the uncertainty, the loss of life.
How much worse will it get? Will I lose someone I love? Will my husband get it? If he does will he survive it? Would I? Is it ever going to end? When it does what will life be like? Will I even be here? How would I make it without my husband?

See all those questions up there? Those are the first things you're supposed to stop when trying to recover from anxiety disorder. I know all about the what if game. I played it for years, it ruled my life for years and it took me years and a lot of grace from God to get out from under it and lately I feel like I am being thrown right back down the rabbit hole again. I know in my heart I have control over that but, in a situation that none of us on this entire planet has ever had to deal with before, I do not know how to stop my slide.

I've been holding it together for the most part. On two occasions I have found myself in tears while in prayer. The loss of life is devastating and we know it's going to get worse before it gets better. How many more people will have to pay for the evils of others?
No, I have not lost my faith but in truth, it's shaking right now. I know Jesus is with me, us and I am trying best I can to fight my fear because fear is not from God. I beg His help with this but I also know I am human as well. I am not perfect and I don't believe there has ever been a saint for all of their holiness who was never afraid at any moment. I believe that is impossible as a human being. The degree of fear is another thing but fear itself I believe is a natural human reaction no matter how much faith you have.

So, I will continue to beg God to end this scourge upon the humans of this earth, to send me His peace and fight it as best I can..
How are you doing?

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~Robyn~ XO