June 29, 2020

Really Struggling



As I sit here tonight I've come to the conclusion that it's time to admit that I am and have been struggling in a few area's of my life and, for quite some time....

First and foremost, I am struggling with my health which, is nothing new for me in the last twenty eight years but what is new is the degree to which I am struggling. Since getting so horrifically sick this past January (doctors and I suspect I had Covid-19) I have just not been my normal struggling self. Over the last month it's seems to be getting a little worse. So, what am I struggling with.

Brain fog is huge on this list. I can't seem to get myself together. I am a person who needs structure in their day and normally I am pretty good at planning my days accordingly but the last few weeks I feel like I am constantly flying by the seat of my pants all the time. I keep forgetting what day it is, never mind knowing the date. And no, it's not because of the "virus", our lives haven't changed much.

My thoughts feel completely scattered. Today, Sunday, I literally forgot to put the turkey breast in the oven I defrosted for dinner for today. Mr wound up having a can of Campbells Chicken Noodle Soup for dinner.  Yesterday I forgot to give my Sarah girl her thyroid pill. My planner looks deserted. I use my planner every day. Without it I'd get nothing done. 

I feel very tired all the time. My energy level has been at zero for a long time. Now I do have RA and maybe it's the RA just messing with me, maybe it's not having a period in six months messing with me (I'm headed into full blown menopause) and maybe it's damage left over from what is suspected Covid19 that I had. Honestly, I have no idea at this point but one thing I do know is it's driving me nuts to feel like this..

I am struggling to pray because I am struggling to keep my mind quiet. My brain feels like it needs to be watching or listening to something twenty four - seven. When it is quiet I try and focus on my breathing and relaxing. That lasts for about three point five seconds. My attention span has become that of a flea.

Each day I say to myself, okay you know you need to get this, this and this done and then my brain says, but boy, I"m tired. Think I'll just go lay back down or think I'll just go watch some videos and on the couch I go pretty much for the entire day and night accomplishing nothing but wasted time...

So folks, I am on the struggle bus. Please pray for me that I can get off it soon...

3 comments:

  1. Ra can cause real depression and brain fog. Get to your doctor for new meds. I am on xzeljanz and love it.

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  2. I hope you can feel better soon.

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  3. I can sympathize with you. I have not been myself since I was in the hospital in December and I feel very much like you. I certainly will be praying for you to get back to the way you were.

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~Robyn~ XO