Eyes Wide Open . Besides being one of my favorite songs, my own eyes are now fully opened.
Hello friends and family,
What a long strange trip it's been.. Remember that song? Eh, if you're not my age or older you wouldn't but trust me, it was a good song..
Actually it's been more like a trip through hell for the last two years. In my last post I told you I was leaving the Catholic Church and I was sure of it. Not so fast. Now before you go thinking I am suffering with bi-polar or something please know that is not the case. When it comes to your soul it's never easy to make decisions or to know what is right or wrong until, the Lord steps in and practically drops a mountain on you...
I can tell you I was absolutely , one hundred percent convinced my place was in the Orthodox Church. I had no questions anymore about it and then, the Lord said, wait.. Look at this....
I went on Twitter, yes I know. Never a good move but this day it seems the Lord even used Twitter to talk to me. I saw a post from a priest, a Catholic Priest I am friends with on there. It was a video he re -tweeted and I watched it. The video was of a Catholic Priest from my state. South Carolina although I do not know where. He was getting ready to give his homily. Sermon for my non - Catholic friends and suddenly, he stopped.
When he began again it was anything but what he started with. He was and is Angry!! He's angry at what evil, wicked, degenerate men and some women have done and are continuing to do to our Church. He is mad! He is frustrated! He is hurt! He feels like, WE do!.. Listening to him I was actually floored. All I could think was, he's a priest. He feels like me! He understands! Then I talked to a few of my priest 'friends' and we spoke about this and it turns out here are MANY priests who feel this way but because of the backlash which is putting it mildly, they will get, they keep it inside until they explode like this poor priest in the video.
I told my priests friends that they have to STOP being afraid of what their Bishop may do to them and speak out. We, the laity, NEED to know how they feel. We need to SEE how they feel because when we don't we feel you have abandoned us. You have left us to the wolves. I told them they MUST be brave. Jesus would tell them the same thing. They must preach the Truth, in season and OUT of season regardless of what that means for them physically, mentally or spiritually.
I feel what has been happening to me is a diabolical attack. Yes it happens. Satan is always lurking around us waiting for us to grow week and when we do, he moves in for the kill and, he almost got me. Now please don't get me wrong. I still believe the Orthodox Church is a beautiful Church and I still believe they are part of the One True Church and if the Orthodox Church was all I had to go to I would. Remember, until two men in 1054 decided to get pissed off at each other, we were ONE Church...
I know I was also being influenced by others. I was watching A LOT of Catholic Media which isn't a bad thing but when the filth and rot in the Church is put in front you day after day and pounded into your head (like main stream media) you become bitter. All you can think of IS the filth and the rot and you forget all the Truth and I did. I was talking to my husband the same night I had watched the video and I finally let it out. That has been the other problem. I have been holding in all my deep, deep anger and sadness and I finally let it rip. I cried, I yelled, I cried some more....It helps. A TON...
Going forward, I am staying with the Catholic Church and I am ignoring ALL the filth and the rot. Not to say I am putting on rose colored glasses. Not by any means! What I mean is, I am living my faith as I know it. As I was taught it. I am ignoring Francis and the other evil men in the hierarchy. I am ignoring what the news has to say about us. I am staying away from the constant talk about it all. God will take care of all of them. It's not my job.
I will continue to strive to be holy and live as the Lord has and always is teaching me. I will use the Saints, the Desert Fathers, my guardian angel as my guides. As for the rest. I will pray for them and our Church but ultimately, like anything and everything else. It's all in Gods hands and He will do what He wants when He sees fits too..
I feel like my battle is over. I feel like the weight that was crushing me is off me. I walked though this inferno for over two years and I now see that the Lord was walking with me. Maybe He allowed me to go through what seemed like a never ending battle so that when he brought me to the end of it I would truly see and learn all that I have. I have grown.. I have grown spiritually and I know that is His goal for me.
Well , if you've read this far. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's been truly, truly hard but it's over and I am finally at peace. I pray you are too.